Funny pics, quotes and jokes: February 2013

Q: What's the feminine of the word train?
A: The tunnel!

Q: What's white and has 12 inches?
A: Nothing! Everyone knows that if it's 12 inches, it's black!

Q: Can a US citizen who lives in Florida be buried in NY?
A: No, because he's still alive!

- Hey kid, what do you dream to be when you grow up?
- A millionaire, like my father!
- Is he a millionaire?
- No, but he's also dreaming at this...

At the gynecologist:
- Where should I put my underwear?
- Close to mine!

The wife:
- I have a 2 news for you! A bad one and a good one... I'm getting a divorce!
- And the bad news?

The boss:

- Hey, it's the 5th time you are being late this week! You know what this means?

- Yes! It's Friday!

In the wedding night the groom makes a bet with his best friend:
- I bet 5000 dollars that the bride is a virgin!
The bride says:
- We're just married and you start already to throw the money out of the window?

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The only way on earth to multiply happiness is to divide it.

People with many interests live, not only longest, but happiest.

The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shore line of wonder.

By associating with wise people you will become wise yourself.

Years teach us more than books.

Berthold Auerbach

It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.

Francois De La Rochefoucauld

If women ruled the world, there would be no more wars. There would be just some countries who don't speak to each other...

God made the skies and the earth. All the rest is made in China.

We live the times where pizza comes faster than the Police...

A man enters a restaurant and asks the waiter:

- Son, do you serve whale meat?

- No, sir!

- How about shark?

- No, sir!

- Then give me some pork ribs and God is my witness I wanted to eat fish!

The husband comes home and asks his wife:

- What would you do if I won the lottery?

- I would take 50% and leave you!

- Perfect! I won 12 dollars. Have 6 and leave!!!

The judge asks the witness:

- What was your distance of the crime scene?

- I was standing at 265.74 inches.

- And how come you know this so accurately?

- When I saw the crime I measured the distance because I knew some idiot will ask this to me later!

A big Maybach suddenly stops in traffic. A little Smart car doesn't manage to stop and crashes into it. On Maybach's screen suddenly appears: "New hardware found. Install now?"

A young man goes to the priest:

- Father, I came to confess!

- There's no need! I have already read your blog...

In front of a church:

- Brothers, look! I can walk again!

- How did it happen?

- Someone stole my car!

You're smart if you believe only half of what you hear. You're wise if you know which half!

- Excuse me sir, but I think there's someone on the phone looking for you.

- You think, or there's really someone looking for me?

- I'm not sure sir, because he said "Is that you, you stupid fat bold bastard?"...

- John, go get me the piano, please!

- Do you want to play?

- No, I just forgot my cigarettes on it, but I didn't want to bother you for nothing...

- John, go out and water the flowers!

- But sir, it's raining outside...

- It's ok, just take an umbrella!

- John, where's my hat?

- You have it on your head, sir!

- OK, I'll find it later...

Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?"

Best burgers recipe. Mince meat, garlic powder, paprika, fresh herbs, an egg and fine diced stallions. I mean... Scallions.

I got fired from the meat factory because I got an e-mail about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.